Golf Central

We’re the lucky ones because we take water for granted and yet, despite the hazard it provides on the golf course, it is one of nature’s most versatile elements. Nevertheless, it has led to a few farcical faux pas involving the Royal & Ancient game down the years.

1. You should have known better
The laws of physics (well, to be completely accurate, Newton’s third law of motion, first propounded in his 1687 best-seller Philosophiae Naturalis Principia Mathematica), dictate that every action has an opposite and equal reaction. This elementary truth was quite obviously overlooked by Richard Finch (the dummy) as he played to the final green of the Irish Open, en route to victory. By balancing precariously on the bank of a river to play his third shot, Richard temporarily forgot this law and as a consequence, the vigorous motion of swing a club caused him to fall backwards into the river – we’re delighted to say.

2. Angling for a trout
The River Maigue, into which Richard fell so comprehensively, rises in the Ballyhoura Mountains of north County Cork and flows through Croom and Adare in County Limerick before entering the estuary of the River Shannon just north of Askeaton. Apart from playing host to visiting golfers, it is best known as one of Ireland’s best rivers for brown trout anglers.

3. One or two strokes
Most golfers would rather see their ball dive into the rough than finish in a water hazard and yet, if you can’t find it in the long grass, it’s stroke and distance, whereas if you ball ends up in the aqua you get to drop alongside, or behind the hazard. The former effectively costs you two shots, the latter only one. So next time your precious Titleist (or in the case of our editor, Penfold Ace) is heading off line, pray that it goes into the drink.

4. What goes up…
A water hazard cost Bobby Cruickshank the 1934 US Open – but not in the way you might expect. At the 11th hole of the final round, while in contention, he half-topped his approach shot and watched in horror as his ball headed straight for the water hazard short of the green, but it hit a rock and bounced onto the putting surface. Cruickshank was so delighted that he threw his club into the air but unfortunately, when it obeyed Newton’s immutable laws of gravity (there’s that man again) it fell onto the golfer’s head, knocking him unconscious. He was barely able to complete the remaining holes.

5. To drink or not to drink?
Dehydration on the course can be a problem in warmer climates but recently nutrition experts have been concerned about the opposite – a condition called hyponatremia. This is created by low blood sodium and endurance athletes lose sodium through sweat. They may further dilute their blood sodium by drinking large amounts of water and, err, peeing, as Paula Radcliffe can no doubt testify. Although the condition can affect long-distance walkers, golfers don’t yet fall into that category, on account of the many, many times we have to stop and hit a golf ball during our perambulations.

6. Well, I never
Water, or H2O, is the simplest compound of the two most common reactive elements, consisting of just two hydrogen atoms attached to a single oxygen atom. It is wrongly perceived as dull, because it is transparent, odourless, tasteless and ubiquitous but is, in fact, the most extraordinary substance. It can be used as a solvent, a solute, a reactant and a biomolecule, structuring proteins, nucleic acids and cells and controlling our consciousness. It is the second most common molecule in the universe (behind hydrogen, H2) and is fundamental to star formation.

7. Damned Americans
According to the Third World Water Forum in Kyoto in 2003, The United States is the most wasteful water user in the world. One of the main reasons is its love of golf and the demands of irrigation on its 23,000 golf courses – which is easily the largest number of any country in the world.
The top five water wasters are:
United States
Djibouti
Cape Verde
New Zealand
Italy
The UK’s environmental water policies were ranked third best in the world.

8. Fancy a bite?
Vernon Messier, a golfer, was the 400th victim of an alligator attack in America since they started keeping records in 1948. Seventeen of those attacks have been fatal and three women were killed in one week in 2006. Messier, who can’t be too bright, was grabbed by the foot in April 2007 while paddling in a lake at Timber Greens Golf Course near Tampa, looking for balls. He freed himself by jabbing the ‘gator in the eyes. Worse news is that, after 20 years on the federal endangered-species list, the numbers of alligators in America have increased from less than 300,000 to somewhere between one and two million.

9. Long John comes up short
In 2005, John Daly attempted to carry the biggest water hazard of his career – the 342-yard distance over Niagara Falls. He had 20 attempts to drive a golf ball from Canada to the USA but failed, with his nearest effort being the second shot, which bounced off the wall just short of the target.

10. Some water quotes...
The difference between a sand trap and water hazard is the difference between a car crash and an airplane crash. You have a chance of recovering from a car crash.
Bobby Jones
When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either hit one more club or two more balls.
Henry Beard
A ball will always come to rest halfway down a hill, unless there is sand or water at the bottom.
Henry Beard
Being a Scotsman, I am naturally opposed to water in its undiluted state.
Dr Alistair Mackenzie
What’s the point of washing off your ball when teeing off on a water hole?
Bruce Lansky
May thy ball lie in green pastures, and not in still waters.
Anon
The best advice I can give for playing a ball out of water is – don’t.
Tony Lema