The Rusty Awards

So ... on to today's award with the help of our lovely assistant, Natalie Gulbis. Now, Nats, as we know, golf is full of dirty evil nasty scoundrels. For our Villain of the Year, for example, we could nominate Tim Finchem every time and probably not have to think about it at all ...
Or George Bush. Doesn't he play golf?
He might, Nats, but not very well. We're talking about an award which goes to a guy who is a really, really good golfer, but really, shall we say, doesn't come off as a very nice guy.
Can I have two guesses?
OK Nats, go ahead.
Stephen Ames?
Close, but no cigar. The guy we're thinking of is so nasty, he called out Tiger Woods when he was still suffering from the death of his father, and expecting his own first child, and had the nerve to say Tiger was "now beatable" (and then got beaten down for it). Do you know who now, Nats? ... (drumroll) ... envelope, please, Natalie ...
Rory Sabbatini! What a jerk!
Hooray! That's right Natalie. Rory's not making many friends out there shall we say. Fantastic golfer, but Rory has a chip on his shoulder that won't go away. After pissing Tiger off earlier in the season, he proceeded to really piss Tiger off by withdrawing from Tiger's Target World Challenge at Sherwood whilst trailing by 28 strokes ... And went to Hawaii.
Let me at him!
Hold on there, you've got to wait your turn in line, Nats. There are plenty out there who want a piece of Rory Sabbatini, starting with Fred Couples. And despite Freddie's bad back and all, I'd still pay to see that fight ...
Look at that picture! It just says "It's all about me!" ... Just give me my ink-pen marker. I want to draw a curly beard and a mustache on his face.
Have at it Nats. ... Well that's it for today's awards, and the biggies are coming up day-by-day. Say Nats, while you've got that ink pen out, mightn't you draw a beard and mustache on me please?
Slap!
I'll be so glad when we're done with the nice guy/nasty guy awards. Stay tuned folks ... Nats. ... Hey, Nats ... more awards to do babe ... sorry didn't mean that babe remark ... oh damn ...

2007 Rusty Award Winners so far:
Worst Putter: Davis Love III
Best Clutch Shot: Boo Weekley
Silliest Name in Golf: Ben Bunny
Best Career Change: Rick Rhoden
Most Pretentious Broadcaster: Gary Lineker
Best Sand Player: Tim Clark
Coolest Shoes: Hunter Mahan
Marlboro Man Award: Angel Cabrera
Coolest Headwear: Jesper Parnevik
Best Second-Best: Ernie Els
Most Daft Quote: Woody Austin
Worst Dresser (Male): Sergio Garcia
Best Golfing Oddball: Camilo Villegas
Best YouTube Moment: Woody Austin
Best Dresser (Female): Paula Creamer
Best Mullet Hairdo: Charley Hoffman
Best Patriot: Mike Weir
Best Verbal Sparring: Paul Azinger
Best Bible Thumper: Zach Johnson
Best Excuse To Drink: Padraig Harrington
Best Reason For Drug Tests: Bryan Saltus
Nice Guy Of The Year: Nick Dougherty
Villain Of The Year: Rory Sabbatini

* We would invite all of our winners to our gala Awards Dinner in January, but we fear they might trip on the red carpet or a loose paving stone, or something ...  Our yearly awards are called the "Rusty Awards", instead of "Trusty Awards", because Natalie Gulbis thinks the name of our website is "In Golf Wet Rust". Gulbis is good at golf and glamour, but not so good at grammar.

So ... on to today's award with the help of our lovely assistant, Natalie Gulbis. Now, Nats, as we know, golf is full of nice guys and nice gals, like yourself, for example ...
Cut the bulls---
OK, OK, anyway, we just thought we'd honour someone who does a little bit extra inside and outside the ropes on Tour. You know, goes the extra mile, gives fans a reason to want to cheer for them for reasons other than the fact that they're great golfers ...
Get to the point dammit.
OK Nats, easy, girl. Well, as we said there are lots of nice guys on Tour these days, but we've heard so many good things about this particular fellow this year that he's our pick for Nice Guy of the Year for 2007. He walks grannies across the street, buys every round at the pub, signs autographs for hours after rounds, and says "Hello sir" and "Hello madam" ... (drumroll) ... envelope, please, Natalie ...
Nick Dougherty!
Hooray! That's right Natalie. Nice Nick had to beat off a host of really pleasant fellows to win this award. In fact, he had to beat off Steve Stricker, everyone's comeback player of the year to win Nice Guy this year. Stricker would win Nice Guy every year, but then again, everyone from Wisconsin is nice, so that's no surprise. But Nick Dougherty is from Liverpool, where they like to nick hubcabs ...
Enough stereotyping! You are not a very nice person, Mr "Man" you! ... Nick is nice, and ...
Let me guess ...
He's hot!
Oh dear, folks, we sense possible romance in the air. Could it be that our lovely Nats, who normally goes for the bad guys, could find herself allured by the charming smile of our lovely Nick?
Slap!
Guess not. Sorry Nick, being nice gets you nowhere.

2007 Rusty Award Winners so far:
Worst Putter: Davis Love III
Best Clutch Shot: Boo Weekley
Silliest Name in Golf: Ben Bunny
Best Career Change: Rick Rhoden
Most Pretentious Broadcaster: Gary Lineker
Best Sand Player: Tim Clark
Coolest Shoes: Hunter Mahan
Marlboro Man Award: Angel Cabrera
Coolest Headwear: Jesper Parnevik
Best Second-Best: Ernie Els
Most Daft Quote: Woody Austin
Worst Dresser (Male): Sergio Garcia
Best Golfing Oddball: Camilo Villegas
Best YouTube Moment: Woody Austin
Best Dresser (Female): Paula Creamer
Best Mullet Hairdo: Charley Hoffman
Best Patriot: Mike Weir
Best Verbal Sparring: Paul Azinger
Best Bible Thumper: Zach Johnson
Best Excuse To Drink: Padraig Harrington
Best Reason For Drug Tests: Bryan Saltus
Nice Guy Of The Year: Nick Dougherty
Villain Of The Year: Rory Sabbatini

* We would invite all of our winners to our gala Awards Dinner in January, but we fear they might trip on the red carpet or a loose paving stone, or something ...  Our yearly awards are called the "Rusty Awards", instead of "Trusty Awards", because Natalie Gulbis thinks the name of our website is "In Golf Wet Rust". Gulbis is good at golf and glamour, but not so good at grammar.

So, on to today's award with the help of our lovely assistant, Natalie Gulbis. Now, Nats, Gary Player raised a few eyebrows right before the Open when he intimated (intimated, is that the right word?) that 10 percent or so of all pro golfers were on drugs. Was this the ravings of a pre-Alzheimers old goat, or was Player onto something, Nats?
I dunno, I never take anything stronger than a triple caramel macchiato from Starbucks, or a bottle of WKD or two. I like chick drinks.
Hmmmn. Well, if Gary Player is truly a great detective, who's the No. 1 suspect? Just who might have engaged in an illegal substance or two in the hazy hazy past? ... (drumroll) ... envelope, please, Natalie ...
Bryan Saltus! ... Who's Bryan Saltus?
Hooray! That's right Natalie. The little-known 36-year-old hippie-ish self-taught golf pro from Orange County, California has been a devoted follower of the Grateful Dead all his life, claiming to have seen the ultimate stoner band 153 times. He turned pro in 1996 but by summertime this year he had just a grand total of $91,000 in career earnings before striking it big by winning the Cambodian Open on the Asian Tour last month and dedicating his win to the late Jerry Garcia ... Saltus celebrated his win by buying his caddie a new motorbike.
Way to go Bryan! Talk about a magical mystery tour ...
Now this is strictly conjecture, and we're really just kidding ... but wouldn't you think there is fairly easy access to something hallucinogenic in Cambodia, Nats? And when a guy has been to 153 Grateful Dead concerts, do you really think he's any stranger to the bong? Bryan's acceptance speech was suitably mellow: "Thanks, dude ..." Congrats, Bryan, you're a damn fine golfer and good luck in 2008!
I think Gary Player should just chill out, man. I mean, wasn't he around in the '60s? I mean, it's not like we should be calling Dick Pound or anything ...
For once, you have rendered me speechless, Nats ...

2007 Rusty Award Winners so far:
Worst Putter: Davis Love III
Best Clutch Shot: Boo Weekley
Silliest Name in Golf: Ben Bunny
Best Career Change: Rick Rhoden
Most Pretentious Broadcaster: Gary Lineker
Best Sand Player: Tim Clark
Coolest Shoes: Hunter Mahan
Marlboro Man Award: Angel Cabrera
Coolest Headwear: Jesper Parnevik
Best Second-Best: Ernie Els
Most Daft Quote: Woody Austin
Worst Dresser (Male): Sergio Garcia
Best Golfing Oddball: Camilo Villegas
Best YouTube Moment: Woody Austin
Best Dresser (Female): Paula Creamer
Best Mullet Hairdo: Charley Hoffman
Best Patriot: Mike Weir
Best Verbal Sparring: Paul Azinger
Best Bible Thumper: Zach Johnson
Best Excuse To Drink: Padraig Harrington
Best Reason For Drug Tests: Bryan Saltus

* We would invite all of our winners to our gala Awards Dinner in December, but we fear they might trip on the red carpet or a loose paving stone, or something ...  Our yearly awards are called the "Rusty Awards", instead of "Trusty Awards", because Natalie Gulbis thinks the name of our website is "In Golf Wet Rust". Gulbis is good at golf and glamour, but not so good at grammar.

So, on to today's award with the help of our lovely assistant, Natalie Gulbis. Now, there was no Ryder Cup this year, but there was still some high drama which could lead to the partaking of an alcoholic beverage or two. Without having Woosie around to blow champagne jets out his nostrils, who gave us the best excuse to party in 2007? ... (drumroll) ... envelope, please, Natalie ...
Padraig Harrington!
Hooray! That's right Natalie. You know, the enormously talented and dedicated Irishman was dangerously close to having the mantle of "best player not to win a major" passed to him until he passed it straight back to his rival for the 2007 Open Championship title, Sergio Garcia, down the stretch at Carnoustie. Afterwards, Padraig celebrated with something fortified straight out of the Claret Jug.
Way to go Padraig! I hope you had a Guinness for me ...
Yep, despite his wholesome, slightly bookish, chartered-accountant appearance, Padraig managed to knock back a few Guinesses after his win. Wait ... is it proper to say Guinnesses, or is the plural Guinni ...?
I think it's Guinni. Or "pints of Guinness", you idiot ... Anyway, are you trying to say that the Irish have a reputation for liking a drink or tree? ...
You said it, Nats ...
No, you said it ...
You said it.
You said it.
You said it, Nats ...
No, you said it ...
You said it ...
No, you said it ...
I think I'm falling in love with you, Nats ...
Knew that would shut her up ...

2007 Rusty Award Winners so far:
Worst Putter: Davis Love III
Best Clutch Shot: Boo Weekley
Silliest Name in Golf: Ben Bunny
Best Career Change: Rick Rhoden
Most Pretentious Broadcaster: Gary Lineker
Best Sand Player: Tim Clark
Coolest Shoes: Hunter Mahan
Marlboro Man Award: Angel Cabrera
Coolest Headwear: Jesper Parnevik
Best Second-Best: Ernie Els
Most Daft Quote: Woody Austin
Worst Dresser (Male): Sergio Garcia
Best Golfing Oddball: Camilo Villegas
Best YouTube Moment: Woody Austin
Best Dresser (Female): Paula Creamer
Best Mullet Hairdo: Charley Hoffman
Best Patriot: Mike Weir
Best Verbal Sparring: Paul Azinger
Best Bible Thumper: Zach Johnson
Best Excuse To Drink: Padraig Harrington
Best Reason For Drug Tests: Bryan Saltus

* We would invite all of our winners to our gala Awards Dinner in December, but we fear they might trip on the red carpet or a loose paving stone, or something ...  Our yearly awards are called the "Rusty Awards", instead of "Trusty Awards", because Natalie Gulbis thinks the name of our website is "In Golf Wet Rust". Gulbis is good at golf and glamour, but not so good at grammar.