Golf Central

We bring you the best in Masters coverage as we have done since we were founded in 1785, which makes us one of America's oldest newspapers. So take that you stuffy Brits! ... Once again, as only we can do in Augusta, we not only bring you the news that is fit to print, but also some (OK, all of it) that we have made up. Read on to find out What Didn't Happen At The Masters But Could Have ...

AUGUSTA (IGWT) - Following up on his hole-in-one heroics of the day before, England's fashion-conscious star Ian Poulter said he planned to alter Augusta National Golf Club's rigid dress code - and traditional green jackets for members - when he rises to world No. 2 after winning the Masters.

Poulter revealed his revolutionary idea after posting a 69 in the second round at Augusta on Friday to move within three strokes of the lead. "Something vermillion - that's right up my alley when I win here," said Poulter. "I think it will turn out really well."

The Englishman, who famously donned Union Jack trousers at the 2004 British Open, was quick to qualify his remarks, insisting that none of his quotes be taken in context.

Said Poulter: "I got in some hot water last time when I said some things that you lot [the media] misconstrued as what I actually said. So this time, I would appreciate it if you would treat me like - say, Fred Couples, and take everything I say as complete stream-of-consciousness rubbish. This way, there is no context which things can be taken out of."

Poulter elaborated by detailing his new friendship with the world No. 1, Tiger Woods, saying: "Woodsie and I were chatting about it this morning on the range. And he completely agrees with me that the green jackets they give out here are really too dated for the modern game. I suggested something a bit more racy like vermillion - or bronze satin. Deep cerise would look really lovely next to the natural white panelling of the clubhouse. And Woodsie was in total agreement.

"He said 'Bang on!' and we hit a few more balls ... Actually he said something more Californian like 'You got it, Poultie, dude" ... But you get the picture. We're in agreement and it will happen when I'm No. 2. And that is the context of which you in the media must not take out ... of. I think."

Murmurs of disapproval were heard among journalists at Poulter's post-round press conference, but it is believed the disapproving noises came from members of Poulter's native British press corps.



Heartfelt thanks to our dear Deep South friends at the Augusta Chronicle for not contributing to these reports and apologies for any offence caused by them. - SGM

More editions of the Augusta Comical:

• Friday's edition: Immelman sets Tour cliche record; the King gets 'lost' in the fog
• Saturday's edition: Poulter has eye on 'vermilion jacket'
• Sunday's edition: Frantic search on for shots Woods 'left on the golf course'