Golf Central

What a fine mess John Daly has gotten us all into, huh? Well, most of us not directly involved with Long John are just fine, thanks ... but it goes to show that perhaps only the 300-pound shadow of JD is large enough even to send a certain Big Cat skulking back into the dark for a day or two. Nearly ... SG Matthews takes you through another week of Daly dramas and the rest of the 10 Things We've Learned ...

1. John Daly, we must humbly admit, is a human wrecking-ball ...:

Bless our sweet hearts at In Golf We Trust, but we were one of the last bastions of sympathy left standing for big John Daly. Maybe because somebody we know wrote a book about him once, because he's actually a big loveable oaf, but IGWT's resistance to the shouts around the golf world to give up on JD was nearly like the Welsh stand at Rorke's Drift. But when Butch Harmon - who has been through the horror of battle in Vietnam - chucks in the towel, the writing is on the wall to follow suit ...

2. What has John Daly done now, then?:

Glad you asked. "What hasn't he done?" might be a better question. It's really nothing out of the ordinary, except for the extraordinary domino effect that seemingly only John Daly can achieve. Let's just say JD managed to act a complete fool at the PODS Championship, make a (semi) respected NFL head coach look a fool too, got fired by one of the world's best swing coaches (Harmon) whom he had hired himself, autographed a few booties of toothless Florida hags, downed a few barley pops, missed another cut, downed a few more barley pops, forgot to set his alarm clock, didn't turn up for his pro-am at a proper golf legend's invitational (Arnold Palmer, in case you haven't guessed), got nearly half of the eminently-qualified alternates disqualified from Bay Hill with the snowball effect, downed some more barley pops, has a young ninja-yakuza Japanese star wanting to kill him, had the stone-hearted commissioner of the PGA Tour going nearly weepy over him, and somehow made talk of Tiger Woods turn into hushes for a day or two. Then he somehow got Ian Poulter into Arnie's party despite our Ian's own best efforts to miss the tournament. And then big JD downed another cold Double-O or two.

And for a breakdown of the longest paragraph ever written in Made Up Media history (beat that, Gav!), here's the full litany of how John Daly's domino effect went down.

3. And that's a nice week's work ...:

It certainly is. And we're assuming he strummed a chord or two of a country ballad on his guitar.

4. John Daly's conversations at the Hooters VIP bar behind the 17th green at Innisbrook will not go down in any book of Golf's Pearls of Wisdom:

JD managed to add to his already formidable folk history with this following exchange, as overheard by clever reporter Anwar S. Richardson of the Tampa Tribune:
Trinity, Florida's "finest" babe, Kim Geiger: Here I am again, I'm your worst nightmare.
JD: Oh no you're not, honey. As a matter of fact, I like it when you walk away ... I like your butt. I'm a butt man. And you have a nice butt (JD autographs said butt).
Geiger: Yeah, baby, he likes my butt!
(We're speechless) ...

5. Except for the announcement that Tiger Woods is alive!:

Despite Harmon's contention that Daly's "shenanigans" had overshadowed all things golf this week, Tiger Woods made "news" by turning up to Bay Hill a day earlier than usual after his usual pre-Bay Hill hiatus, apparently ready to play and try to stretch his PGA Tour winning streak to five and match Ben Hogan with 64 tour wins. Tiger Woods' job description, it's rumoured, is: "golf professional."

6. Tiger knows baseball?:

Well, sort of. Tiger kicked butt on the Atlanta Braves ace pitcher John Smoltz in a round of golf last week in Florida, then Smoltz returned the favour by hurling to Tiger during a spring training "simulated game" workout. It all happened behind closed doors, witnessed by only a few members of the Braves' staff. Now, for those of you who might favour bat-and-ball games that go on for five days, Smoltz is a shoe-in lock for baseball's Hall of Fame. Tiger allegedly barely touched Smoltz's soft (85 mph) deliveries, striking out twice, drawing a "walk", and punching a soft "single" through the middle. Stick to the non-moving ball, Tiger ...

7. John Smoltz's pitching isn't the only thing hard about Florida ...:

Let's forget for the moment that Florida orange juice is inferior to the California variety. The Sunshine State is definitely not the "Funshine State" when it comes to golf. Brutal course setups, wicked weather, giant bugs and reptiles, and "ladies" like the one mentioned in Item No. 4 are making the PGA Tour's best wish they were back on the West Coast ... Or they are fancying Doral or Augusta for a bit of an easy week ...

8. John Daly saves Arjun Atwal's caddie from a lifetime of embarrassment ...:

The scene was perplexing, to say the least, after Atwal won the Malaysian Open at the weekend in Kuala Lumpur. Atwal had survived to win due to Simon Dyson's late collapse, and was wearing an expression of relief on the 18th green ... until his caddie Ali Jaan raced across the green, leaped into Atwal's arms, and hugged his hero with an adoring expression as if Atwal had just scored the winning goal in the World Cup. Good God, man ...

9. We love honest golf pros, especially the Bald Eagle:

Poor Stewart Cink made absolutely no excuses after coughing up a four-shot advantage to lose the PODS Championship in Tampa from ahead. The Bald Eagle, certainly one of the nicest and most open American pros, had this to say about his performance and his winless streak that dates back to 2004: "I just haven't played very good rounds. I missed a lot of my putts from being tentative. You don't have room to be that way when you've got the best players in the world lined up behind you ready to pounce on my mistakes."

10. And the world is small, according to Freddie Couples:

In fine IGWT tradition, we'll close this week's 10 Things with another quote from Fred "Galileo" Couples, who had trouble with the concept of exactly how big the Earth - and his streak of 23 straight made-cuts at the Masters - are. "I mean, the cut streak is a big thing ... It's not anything worldly", said Fred. The quotebook hath been amended again ... And we'll probably still give John Daly another chance.