Golf Central

After announcing plans earlier this week to have every player speaking English by the end of 2009 (or else), the LPGA has launched the second phase of its evil bid to make women's professional golf as Middle America as possible.

IGWT can exclusively reveal that, as of July 4th, 2010, left-handed players won't be eligible to play on the LPGA Tour.

On the subject of left-handed players, a tour spokesperson - who asked to remain anonymous - said, 'They're just a nuisance if truth be told. Sponsors hate them, nobody wants to play with them in the pro-ams. They're simply not financially viable for the tour at this moment in time.'

One of the world's top female players - who also wanted her identity to be kept a secret - said, 'I'm totally behind having lefties thrown off the LPGA Tour. They're always looking for trouble in the locker room.'

Never one to shy away from controversy, Dottie Pepper gave here two cents, even though no one asked her to. 'I used to think those bigwigs at the LPGA were a bunch of chokin’ freakin’ dogs. Not anymore...'

Lefties will be given the opportunity to enroll on the LPGA's rehabilitation programme; a six-month process that will see participants undergo rigorous training in order to play 'in the only manner that the LPGA sees fit.'

Players who fail rehab will lose their playing privileges on tour forever.