Golf Central

What the hell do Martin Kaymer's suitcase-packing habits, Phil Mickelson's sexy voice, and 1.1 billion cricket-mad Indians have to do with golf? Not to mention the ever-reaching wit and wisdom of Fred Couples? ... Read on, our faithful legions of "Rusties", for we shall learn together for yet another week ...

1. Pink might be the new red some day ...:

We've been tipping Martin Kaymer for great things for a while now, and after seeing the 23-year old Düsseldorfer come storming from behind to almost catch Tiger Woods (who himself stormed from behind to victory) at Dubai, we noticed something ... Kaymer was wearing a pink Lacoste shirt in the final round. Not anything alarming, until we noticed that Kaymer was also wearing a pink Lacoste jumper in Qatar; and when he notched his first sizzling Euro Tour victory in Abu Dhabi, you guessed it ... pink (or pink-ish). We're not calling Kaymer the Paula Creamer of men's golf just yet, maybe it's just "his colour" ... or the guy packs light. Anyway, the way Kaymer is playing, he should wonder whether pink matches with a Green Jacket some day. ...

2. "I wasn't laughing because you whiffed ... ":

We thought we had the fattest of all Fred Couples quotebooks, after dozens of years of waiting for malapropisms, mangled sentences, or simple beautiful pearls of golf wisdom to drop from Boom Boom's lips. But we were surprised to find we had missed one. Veteran US Golf World golf columnist Ron Sirak unearthed this Freddie gem last week and we were surprised to have not seen it before when Couples discussed greatness: "I'm not great," quoth Freddie. "I'm good ... and good's not bad." Amen. Our quotebook hath been amended ...

3. The Big Cat has a sense of humour, too:

After staying mostly silent on the sidelines and letting his clubs do their ever-eloquent talking, Tiger Woods finally commented on the Ian Poulter he-said/didn't say/was-taken-out-of-context palaver. Told at Dubai how great his lead over No. 2 Phil Mickelson had become in the new adjusted World Rankings, Tiger said: "I thought Ian Poulter was No. 2." ... with the grin of a Cheshire cat.

4. Lost in Translation (Part I):

The little Mexican titan Lorena Ochoa has listed her long-awaited LPGA schedule on her personal website, lorenaochoa.com. Next to the LPGA schedule, there's a column in which Lorena ticks off whether or not she offers her "assistance." Those of us who are bilingual in Spanish and English (you and I, Gary Lineker) realise Lorena's computer translators probably meant "attendance" ... "asistir" is the Spanish verb for "attend" but only in the way that a minion would "attend" on a royal. The point is valid, though, Lorena helps LPGA gates wherever she goes. And automated translators for web pages don't work very well ...

5. Lost in Translation (Part II):

Let's hope the upcoming In Golf We Trust public relations campaign goes better (and we're sure it will) than poor Michelle Wie's PR blitz has fared recently. So far has the Hawaiian teen phenom's star fallen, that when a press release was circulated saying the golfer would play on a sponsor's invite to the Fields Open later this month, the email said "Wei to play Fields Open". We're still wondering who "Wei" is ...

6. Not Lost in Translation:

Phil Mickelson knows where his bread is buttered. Lefty was quizzed before the FBR Open about the new husky tone in his voice (a product of a winter in which Mickelson struggled to get rid of a lung infection). Q: Is your voice going to stay like that long-term? A: My wife likes the raspiness. (Nice one, Lefty, we know a few women just like Mrs Mickelson).

7. New PGA Tour Slogan: "These Guys Are Heroes":

It was a week in which former Open champ Ben Curtis won scout's honours by performing the Heimlich maneuver on fellow tour pro Steve Allan, saving the Aussie from choking at lunch at the FBR. And also, tour veteran Esteban Toledo, a former pro boxer in his native Mexico, rescued two female victims from a smoking crashed automobile in Los Angeles and stayed with the victims until the paramedics arrived. Brownie points for Ben and Esteban ... no word yet on what Frank Lickliter II, Rory Sabbatini, Stephen Ames, Scott Hoch or Lanny Wadkins were doing at the moment ...

8. They might be crazy, but there's 1.1 billion of them:

The European Tour breaks new ground this weekend in Delhi, India, where in order to promote golf to the masses, all spectators to the Indian Masters can attend the tournament for free. Which begs the scary question? What the hell happens if everybody shows up all at once? ... Not to worry, says veteran Indian tour pro Arjun Atwal ... everyone in India is too mad for the red-ball game to follow golf: "Cricket is a religion in India," says Atwal, "I don't think golf will catch up with it." ... Better hope not, or cancel those freebies ...

9. They might be crazy, but there's only a few hundred of them:

At a players meeting to discuss the PGA Tour's new drug testing policy, nearly certified madman Frank Lickliter II boldly said: "(A drug tester is) going to have a hard time getting off my property without a bullet in his (behind)." ... to whoops and hollers from his gathered, pampered, neatly dressed, coiffed and manicured mostly Republican brethren. Bloody scary ...

10. Your call: Poulter-gate headlines:

The British press had a field day, as they do with things like this, in dissecting the Ian Poulter comments about Tiger Woods last week. Here's your chance to make your voice heard. We've nominated the two best headlines we've seen from the week, you can just vote for your favourite in the little box below. Cheers!

• a) POULTER'S MOUTH JOINS HIS TROUSERS IN BEING A BIT LOUD (The Independent, nominated by IGWT deputy editor)
• b) IAN POULTER: NOT BIGGER THAN JESUS AFTER ALL (In Golf We Trust, nominated by IGWT publishing director).

'Til next week! ...