Golf Central

Would you like to have Mrs Doubtfire as your maths teacher? Can Woody Austin take a joke? And how many putters does Sergio Garcia really need, anyway? (The sky's the limit, we think). And what does Tiger have in common with Nigel Tufnel? ... Read on, our faithful legions of "Rusties", for we shall learn together for yet another week ...

1. Like Spinal Tap's Nigel Tufnel, Tiger "goes to 11" ...

We all know Tiger Woods can crank up the volume most any time he wants: note his birdie-birdie-birdie-eagle-par finish in the first round of the WGC Match Play to survive a scare from brave JB Holmes. But asked if he had ever had a perfect season, Tiger responded: "When I was 11, I won 36 tournaments that year." After the laughter had subsided, the Big Cat finished with the quip: "I peaked at 11" ...

2. Hecklers just aren't what they used to be ...

OK, you get some drunk yahoos with corporate ducats on a golf course in Arizona and you're going to hear some stupid stuff. But even Woody Austin, who has said some outrageous things, is disappointed by the quality of the heckling he receives on tour these days since his famous Presidents Cup pond plunge. "Hey Aquaman!" and "Where are your goggles?" are getting a bit tired, says Woody, who rightly points out that The Gallery has exactly one water hazard.

3. But the evil golf press are still the same ...

Again, we rely on Aquaman to weigh in. This time, Austin blamed the golf press for the fact that US hot sauce company Tabasco has stopped making his "ugly" Hawaiian shirts. "The Tabasco people were tired of y'all in the media ripping my shirts ... they were tired of the negative publicity, so they got out," complained Woody. For the record, one of the IGWT editors quite liked the Aquaman's wild old shirts, but then again, he's from California ...

4. And at least the Aquaman isn't Ian Poulter ...

Austin wore the Tabasco shirts with their eye-straining prints since 1997 and gladly suffered the ridicule. "I loved 'em, said Woody. "It showed my personality" ... which he can assume is nothing like today's flash-dressed young stars. "I'm not the one showing up in lavender purple pants and giant white belts and burgundy-coloured shirts and fedora hats. I don't show up with a tie," Aquaman grumbled. We love him ...

5. Nobody can rip a fellow pro quite as subtly as Monty ...

Golf hacks love asking Colin Montgomerie questions about his peers, because usually Monty shoots from the lip. Asked about the yippy Sergio Garcia packing two putters in his bag at the Match Play, Monty said, with cheeky grin: "We're allowed 36 putts, that's why it adds up to 72. Why have 13 clubs for 36 of them and only one for the other 36? Carry more than two." You can't question Monty's maths ...

6. But then again, there's nothing subtle about The Scotsman's headline writers ...

The feud between our colleagues at Scotland's No. 1 daily newspaper and the country's pre-eminent golfer shows no sign of waning. Why should it, when Scotsman scribe Tom English writes: "It has to be said, relations between Colin Montgomerie and this newspaper are not great. OK, they're bad. Fair enough, they couldn't be worse" in a story with the headline "Don't doubt fire of Monty to spank Yanks." ... Ouch! ...

7. Fred Funk's maths might be a bit funky though ...

The short-hitting PGA Tour veteran may have been exaggerating when he predicted that Tiger Woods would win every tournament he plays this year. If that's true, and Tiger played 18 events, he'd win a staggering $22.1 million in prize money, and would end the season with 79 tour victories (just three shy of Sam Snead's career record) and 17 majors (just one short of Jack Nicklaus). Take a chill pill, Funkster, Tiger says he has a "plateful" of work to do ...

8. Michelle Wie has a long way to go, too ...

The willowy prodigy, whose struggles are much documented, had an opening 69 in the first round of the LPGA Fields Open before finishing 20 shots behind winner Paula Creamer. But she only needs to consider Barack Obama, front-runner for the US Democatic presidential nomination, in lessons of overcoming adversity. Obama is a 1979 graduate of Punahou High School in Hawaii; Michelle graduated from the school last year ...

9. It was a good week for Greg Norman after all ...

The Shark outfoxed himself by shooting a second-round 79 to miss the cut at the Mayakoba Golf Classic in Quintana Roo, Mexico, on a stunning course he designed himself. But despite battling a classic head cold, Norman was back in the arms of his nurse, fiancee Chris Evert, and had just learned that his feud with PGA Tour commissioner Tim Finchem might not matter, as the Shark surprisingly was named the International captain for the 2009 Presidents Cup ...

10. And Finchem has a good idea once in a while ...

The PGA Tour missed the boat by instituting the controversial MDF rule (the cut policy which meant that some players like crowd favourites John Daly, Angel Cabrera and Tommy Gainey actually made cuts earlier in the year but were forced to accept last-place money and sit out the weekend). To the tour's credit, they listened to their players, and amended the rule this week. There will now be a second Saturday cut to avoid congestion on Sundays. We'll see how it goes ... 'Til next week!