'As my old granny used to say, one minute you're a statue, the next you're a pigeon.'

Another undecipherable gem from, you've guessed it, Peter Alliss...

World exclusive photos of Trev's menu...

OK, when we say world exclusive photos, we mean a two-minute job that one of our design geeks just put together on Photoshop.

After Zach Johnson served Iowa beef and Florida shrimp in 2008, Trevor Immelman went with traditional South African fare that, if truth be told, we've never heard of before. Clockwise from left, diners were treated to...

Bobotie: A spiced minced meat pie with an egg topping.
Sosaties: Posh way of saying a chicken kebab, basically.
Melketert: That'll be a milk tart then. Looks pretty bland.

All washed down with a selection of South African wines... presumably not the cheap plonk from Ernie Els' estate though. You can just imagine the Yank contingent pushing all these dishes to one side...

How to enjoy the Masters if you hate golf...

Not a fan of blokes hitting small white balls with metal sticks? Fear not, because InGolfWeTrust.com staffer, Gavin Newsham, has written a simple guide on how to get the most out the Masters if you hate golf. CLICK HERE to read his article on The Guardian website.

You certainly wouldn't put it past these two...

With such a tough field at Augusta this year, how are the 'we may be stupidly young but we're probably just as good, if not better than you lot' brigade going to fair? Think we all know the answer to that one...

Anthony Kim- After starting 2009 so well at the Mercedes-Benz (T2), AK's been off the boil since. Weird. Going into Masters week though, can you count him out of things? At 45/1, you'd be dumb not to give him a chance...

Rory McIlroy- So far this year, Rory has proven himself to be quite good at golf. Granted, he'll struggle with Augusta first time around, but with so much talent and the crowd behind him, a top-ten finish may well be in order.

PART ONE - PLAYER WATCH: THE BIG GUNS

Player? Worth a quid each-way? Don't be stupid...

If the thought of a romantic meal with Michelle McManus (you know, that grossly obese Scottish monster from Pop Idol) does more for you than Tiger Woods at 15/8 for The Masters, then have a flutter on these veterans...

10000/1 - Gary Player

1000/1 - Tom Watson / Sandy Lyle / Ben Crenshaw

750/1 - Mark O'Meara

500/1- Billy Mayfair

300/1 - Bernhard Langer / Greg Norman

Paddy's new driver? Rory struggling? Rain?

Players flocked to Augusta on Monday for practice like a flock of ravenous golfing seagulls. Hidden in between the Azaleas were our spies, waiting to hear all the latest gossip. OK, that part about the spies is completely made up. Or is it? No, for legal reasons, we have to state that it really isn't true...

McIlroy Struggling - Seems Rory is having a tough time getting to grips Augusta... understandable, given that it's no walk in the park. During practice, he hit two in the creek on the 13th before finding the green. Just.

Bubba Watson's Trickery - Bubba got a lot of love from the crowd as he tried to skip a ball across water on the 16th with his driver. He failed, but you can't knock him for trying. Well, you can, but we won't on this occasion.

What Of The Weather - Looks like it's going to be a wet and cold week at Augusta. Couple that with the course being shortened by just under 30 yards, it's anybody's game. Apart from Gary Player (10,000/1).

Paddy's New Driver - The last thing we'd do before a Major would be to change our driver... but then again, we're not Padraig Harrington, who's changed from a Wilson Spine to test the new TaylorMade R9.

Quote Of The Day - 'There isn't a blade of grass out of place.' Overheard on the practice grounds. Just don't ask us who, because we don't know.

Lump on this lot and you'll be laughing...

Everyday from now until Wednesday, we'll bring you different groups of players worth keeping an eye on (and getting down the bookies for) at Augusta National this week. Today, we take a look at the Big Guns...

Geoff Ogilvy - Anyone who says Geoff hasn't been 2009's best player is, well, an idiot. He already boasts two wins this year and has been dangerously consistent from tee-to-green. Augusta should suit his style of play a treat.

Retief Goosen - There's a lot to like about Retief going into Masters week, not least his recent win at the Transitions Championship. But get this... since 2002, he's finished third or better at Augusta on four occasions. Ominous.

Padraig Harrington - Talk about hitting form at the right time. Ok, he hasn't been on fire recently, but you get the feeling Porridge's game is starting to click. Expect him to fly quietly under the Augusta radar, just the way he likes it.

Because iPhones weren't good enough as it is...

This Masters application for the iPhone is bloody brilliant for so many reasons. Firstly, it's free. That's right, it won't cost you a penny, a cent, a franc, whatever. Secondly, it's packed full of 'kinda neat' features, such as...

Live, Streaming Video - Including Amen Corner Live, holes No. 15 & 16, Masters Extra, the Par-3 Contest and player interviews from three locations.

Live Leaderboard - Featuring an over/under scoring view, player information and pairings with tee times.

Course Information - With flyovers, player tracking, and hole details.

Best of all, it means we can keep up to date with all the latest goings on from Augusta without having to listen to Gary Lineker bang on like a dickhead all week. And for that, iPhone owners, we should all be thankful.

Got an iPhone? Yes? Then CLICK HERE to download the app!

Augusta National? Nah, we'll take Bethpage Black...

Good news. From April 11 until May 31 (when the course closes for US Open preparations), Bethpage Black will be open for hackers to have a knock.

Bad news. Because of a jam-packed booking list, you'll only be allowed to play once. Now, get ready for some mind-boggling stats...

70,000- The amount of members in the reservation system to play.

250 - Number of golfers that play the course per day during the season.

3 - Minutes it takes for the reservation list thing to become fully booked.

37,000 - The average number of rounds played on the course every year.

50 - How much it'll cost to play Bethpage Black in US dollars. Bargain.

Carpet is the key to Masters success. Fact...

Ever wonder how the pros are preparing for Augusta National's relatively tricky greens ahead of next week's Masters? Well, Tiger Woods has probably had each individual green recreated in his back garden. Mike Weir, however, likes to keep things simple, not to mention a bit cheaper.

'I have some fast carpet in my basement that I'll be working on quite a bit because those greens are so fast,' said our favourite Canadian lefty - not that there are many to choose from. Right, we're off to Carpetright to invest in some Persian rug. Saying that, lino should do the trick...

There goes our tip for the year's first Major...

Will Pat Perez and Davis Love III be meeting up for a friendly drink anytime soon? No. Love dropped out of the world's top 50 - where you need to be for a Masters invite - by an agonising four-hundreths of a point, all because Perez missed the water by a foot on the final hole of the Bay Hill Invitational.

Pat escaped with a lucky 72nd hole bogey, condemning Davis to the dreaded 51st spot. Unless he wins this week's Shell Houston Open (stranger things and all that), Love III won't be gracing Augusta with his wonderful swing. So if you happen to see Pat Perez around, give him a smack in the jaw from us...

Bag yourself an absolute bargain...

With the Masters coming up (April 9- 12. Make a date in the diary), we've been keeping an eye on eBay in the hope of picking up some last minute tickets. We liked the look of one particular auction, which read...

'2009 MASTERS. TWO FOUR DAY BADGES. INCLUDES FOUR BEDROOM HOUSE FOR THE WEEK!! HOUSE ONLY 12 MINUTES FROM COURSE!'

We were ready to part with our cash, until we saw the bloody price... $6,999. Not even the free shipping was tempting enough for us to make a bid, of which there haven't been any thus far. Hardly surprising given the price.

Funny thing is, if you look closely at the tickets, they're only worth $200 each at face value. And, just to make matters worse, they're not even supposed to be up for resale! Think we'll give this one a miss...

Trevor Immelman - 'InGolfWeTrust has been with me from the start. I love you guys...'

Tiger Woods: 'Someone hand me a proper axe...'