Golf Central

Och aye the noo!: Sorry I have no idea what you're talking about...
Sorry, when in Scotland and all that..: When in Scotland and all that what?
Oh, just get on with it...: OK. So it's Day Two and the cohabitants of the leaders love shack are England's Simon Wakefield and the Frenchman Thomas 'Chevy to the' Levet.
OK, continue...: Levet birdied the last for a 68 to catch the early pace-setter Wakefield, who posted a 9-under total of 137 thanks to a tidy 69. The overnight leader, Marc 'Rabbit' Warren, bogeyed the last for a 73 and third place.
Seems like Levet's finally back in business?: He is. After his career was nearly ended by severe vertigo, Levet is getting somewhere back to near his best. "For the last two weeks I'm starting to reach the level of 2004," the Ryder Cup star said. "I'm just waiting for my putting to show up. In 2004 my bad putting days were decent but at the moment my bad putting days are bad."
So how have you been?: Oh you know...
No I don't and to be honest I don't care...: It was her fault you know...
The golf?: Oh yeah. Well, the title holder Paul Casey kept his chances of back-to-back victories in the event and a third Gleneagles win alive with a 71 that left him five shots away from the joint leaders.
Any major casualties?: No, it's just a golf tournament...
I mean who missed the cut?: Last week's winner Ross 'Carrie' Fisher, Graeme 'Malcolm' McDowell, Kenneth 'Roll ON Roll Off' Ferrie and Taichi Teshima...
Not Taichi Teshima?: Sorry, but yes.
Goddam. Why? I ask you, why?: I don't know. God moves in mysterious ways...

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Which of the players in this week's field is not only the oldest ever winner of the Johnnie Walker Championship but is also the only wire-to-wire champion?

The Segways are coming...

 

Two enterprising brothers, Bob and Jim McGrath of San Jose, California, have come up with an ingenious new way to make golfers look like prats. Bob and Jim, who are the general managers of the San Jose Municipal and Santa Teresa golf courses respectively, have introduced Segways to their courses in addition to the more traditional golf cart.

 

Not sure what a Segway is? Imagine a lectern with wheels and you're getting close. Like scooters and fat girls, they're great fun until someone sees you on one. At $26 a go, the same price the courses charge for carts, you too can go tearing up the fairway at a blistering 10mph.

 

The McGraths claim that they have the only two courses in the World that offer the service and insist that customers go through a 45 minute induction before being let loose on the links. Bob reckons that no one has fallen off or crashed yet and that the Segways have created a huge buzz.