Golf Central

Welcome back to the PGA Tour!...: Welcome back! Mind you, it doesn't seem much like the PGA Tour with all this paradise scenery.
That's okay though. The golf wasn't exactly PGA Tour quality either, was it?...: Not really. This winners-only field struggled to cope with the gusting winds and rain showers and only 10 of the 31 broke par.
Yeah, but did you see the "Jimi Hendrix of the Ukelele", Jake Shimabukuro, play the national anthem at the start?...: That was great. That was probably the best playing all day, unless you count Nick Watney and Daniel "Exploding Divots" Chopra.
Nick Watney. He's the American guy who sounds like he should be English ...: Yep. He rode a hot putter to card a 5-under 68, one shot better than Chopra, the funky Indian-Swedish dude with the spikey hair.
What about Vijay Singh, the pre-tourney favourite?...: The King of Kapalua seemed a frustrated fellow all day. He's made swing changes in the off-season and never looked comfortable. It showed as Vijay shot a frustrating 1-over and pretty much stomped around Kapalua looking like a broken man.
How about everyone's favourite hick, Boo Weekley?...: Well after getting stopped at the airport for having live ammo in his luggage, Boo could have used a few more bullets out there today. He also should have spent more time golfing than hunting over the winter. He shot 80.
OK, well, who's your new favourite now?...: Well, I'm going to say Chopra. He's played the course "hundreds" of times on his Playstation and he's got the big-driving game that suits Kapalua's wide-open hilly fairways and monster greens.
Didn't Chopra once drive a golf ball off the Great Wall of China?...: That's true. That's what I mean when I say he likes the wide-open spaces.
OK. Anything else I need to know, other than Playstation makes me better at golf?...: Well, Jonathan Byrd turned up in a pair of pink trousers, saying he had to do it "since it's Hawaii".
I thought Hawaii was all about grass skirts and Aloha shirts ...: Tell that to Jonathan ...

When Associated Press golf hack Doug Ferguson reported from Kapalua on Mark Calcavecchia's humorous exchange of text messages with Tiger Woods earlier this week, nearly every outlet of journalism devoted to golf had the news. After all, Ferguson is the chief golf reporter for the world's largest news agency.

So it's not news to you that the 47-year-old Calcavecchia, in preparation for Kapalua's steep up-and-down terrain, had been getting fit by mountaineering in Arizona. Calc texted Tiger en route from one of the treks: "Hiking a mountain. May die." To which Tiger promptly responded by text: "You must be on the Plantation Course."

You can draw at least one conclusion from this: Calc and Tiger are on a friendly basis. And it's a funny little story.

But after further thought, the question arises: Tiger Woods sends text messages? ...

On this day in 1967, a soft-spoken, soft-swinging, gentlemanly winner named David Toms was born in Monroe, Louisiana. Now, David Toms would be the first to admit he doesn't seem like much of a pro athlete - let alone a consistent champ and a major title winner. He's only about 5-foot-8, looks and dresses a bit like an accountant, hates controversy and talking about himself, and is one of the shorter hitters on the PGA Tour.

"I wear a medium shirt. And I'm a medium person," Toms once joked about himself.

So exactly how did Toms win 15 PGA Tour events, including the 2001 PGA Championship with the lowest score ever in a major, amass nearly $30 million in career earnings, and end up married to such a stunning trophy wife that she posed in a bikini in Sports Illustrated? ...

So ... on to today's award with the help of our lovely assistant, Natalie Gulbis. Now, Nats, as we know, golf is full of dirty evil nasty scoundrels. For our Villain of the Year, for example, we could nominate Tim Finchem every time and probably not have to think about it at all ...
Or George Bush. Doesn't he play golf?
He might, Nats, but not very well. We're talking about an award which goes to a guy who is a really, really good golfer, but really, shall we say, doesn't come off as a very nice guy.
Can I have two guesses?
OK Nats, go ahead.
Stephen Ames?
Close, but no cigar. The guy we're thinking of is so nasty, he called out Tiger Woods when he was still suffering from the death of his father, and expecting his own first child, and had the nerve to say Tiger was "now beatable" (and then got beaten down for it). Do you know who now, Nats? ... (drumroll) ... envelope, please, Natalie ...
Rory Sabbatini! What a jerk!
Hooray! That's right Natalie. Rory's not making many friends out there shall we say. Fantastic golfer, but Rory has a chip on his shoulder that won't go away. After pissing Tiger off earlier in the season, he proceeded to really piss Tiger off by withdrawing from Tiger's Target World Challenge at Sherwood whilst trailing by 28 strokes ... And went to Hawaii.
Let me at him!
Hold on there, you've got to wait your turn in line, Nats. There are plenty out there who want a piece of Rory Sabbatini, starting with Fred Couples. And despite Freddie's bad back and all, I'd still pay to see that fight ...
Look at that picture! It just says "It's all about me!" ... Just give me my ink-pen marker. I want to draw a curly beard and a mustache on his face.
Have at it Nats. ... Well that's it for today's awards, and the biggies are coming up day-by-day. Say Nats, while you've got that ink pen out, mightn't you draw a beard and mustache on me please?
Slap!
I'll be so glad when we're done with the nice guy/nasty guy awards. Stay tuned folks ... Nats. ... Hey, Nats ... more awards to do babe ... sorry didn't mean that babe remark ... oh damn ...

2007 Rusty Award Winners so far:
Worst Putter: Davis Love III
Best Clutch Shot: Boo Weekley
Silliest Name in Golf: Ben Bunny
Best Career Change: Rick Rhoden
Most Pretentious Broadcaster: Gary Lineker
Best Sand Player: Tim Clark
Coolest Shoes: Hunter Mahan
Marlboro Man Award: Angel Cabrera
Coolest Headwear: Jesper Parnevik
Best Second-Best: Ernie Els
Most Daft Quote: Woody Austin
Worst Dresser (Male): Sergio Garcia
Best Golfing Oddball: Camilo Villegas
Best YouTube Moment: Woody Austin
Best Dresser (Female): Paula Creamer
Best Mullet Hairdo: Charley Hoffman
Best Patriot: Mike Weir
Best Verbal Sparring: Paul Azinger
Best Bible Thumper: Zach Johnson
Best Excuse To Drink: Padraig Harrington
Best Reason For Drug Tests: Bryan Saltus
Nice Guy Of The Year: Nick Dougherty
Villain Of The Year: Rory Sabbatini

* We would invite all of our winners to our gala Awards Dinner in January, but we fear they might trip on the red carpet or a loose paving stone, or something ...  Our yearly awards are called the "Rusty Awards", instead of "Trusty Awards", because Natalie Gulbis thinks the name of our website is "In Golf Wet Rust". Gulbis is good at golf and glamour, but not so good at grammar.

So ... on to today's award with the help of our lovely assistant, Natalie Gulbis. Now, Nats, as we know, golf is full of nice guys and nice gals, like yourself, for example ...
Cut the bulls---
OK, OK, anyway, we just thought we'd honour someone who does a little bit extra inside and outside the ropes on Tour. You know, goes the extra mile, gives fans a reason to want to cheer for them for reasons other than the fact that they're great golfers ...
Get to the point dammit.
OK Nats, easy, girl. Well, as we said there are lots of nice guys on Tour these days, but we've heard so many good things about this particular fellow this year that he's our pick for Nice Guy of the Year for 2007. He walks grannies across the street, buys every round at the pub, signs autographs for hours after rounds, and says "Hello sir" and "Hello madam" ... (drumroll) ... envelope, please, Natalie ...
Nick Dougherty!
Hooray! That's right Natalie. Nice Nick had to beat off a host of really pleasant fellows to win this award. In fact, he had to beat off Steve Stricker, everyone's comeback player of the year to win Nice Guy this year. Stricker would win Nice Guy every year, but then again, everyone from Wisconsin is nice, so that's no surprise. But Nick Dougherty is from Liverpool, where they like to nick hubcabs ...
Enough stereotyping! You are not a very nice person, Mr "Man" you! ... Nick is nice, and ...
Let me guess ...
He's hot!
Oh dear, folks, we sense possible romance in the air. Could it be that our lovely Nats, who normally goes for the bad guys, could find herself allured by the charming smile of our lovely Nick?
Slap!
Guess not. Sorry Nick, being nice gets you nowhere.

2007 Rusty Award Winners so far:
Worst Putter: Davis Love III
Best Clutch Shot: Boo Weekley
Silliest Name in Golf: Ben Bunny
Best Career Change: Rick Rhoden
Most Pretentious Broadcaster: Gary Lineker
Best Sand Player: Tim Clark
Coolest Shoes: Hunter Mahan
Marlboro Man Award: Angel Cabrera
Coolest Headwear: Jesper Parnevik
Best Second-Best: Ernie Els
Most Daft Quote: Woody Austin
Worst Dresser (Male): Sergio Garcia
Best Golfing Oddball: Camilo Villegas
Best YouTube Moment: Woody Austin
Best Dresser (Female): Paula Creamer
Best Mullet Hairdo: Charley Hoffman
Best Patriot: Mike Weir
Best Verbal Sparring: Paul Azinger
Best Bible Thumper: Zach Johnson
Best Excuse To Drink: Padraig Harrington
Best Reason For Drug Tests: Bryan Saltus
Nice Guy Of The Year: Nick Dougherty
Villain Of The Year: Rory Sabbatini

* We would invite all of our winners to our gala Awards Dinner in January, but we fear they might trip on the red carpet or a loose paving stone, or something ...  Our yearly awards are called the "Rusty Awards", instead of "Trusty Awards", because Natalie Gulbis thinks the name of our website is "In Golf Wet Rust". Gulbis is good at golf and glamour, but not so good at grammar.