Golf Central

We bring you the best in Masters coverage as we have done since we were founded in 1785, which makes us one of America's oldest newspapers. So take that you stuffy Brits! ... Once again, as only we can do in Augusta, we not only bring you the news that is fit to print, but also some (OK, all of it) that we have made up. Read on to find out What Didn't Happen At The Masters But Could Have ...

Man, we've got some powerful mojo ...: We sure do ... Want a Magner's with that mojo?
Yes please ... Ahhh! ... Sure feels good to be right ...: Ahhh! ... It sure does ...
I think we should put a little banner on the top of the website that says: "Winners of major champions guaranteed ...": Just dial 1-800-555-IGWT ...
Major Mojo Consultantcy ... Wait 'til the American golf press find out we were behind Trevor Immelman's win all along ...: Shhhh! ... don't tell 'em about the mojo thing. Don't tell them we backed Trevor since Round 2 and even put up a message on the site front saying: "Where we are blatant cheerleaders for Trevor Immelman!"
I won't if you don't. Well, they're already making excuses for Tiger ...: I know, I know. Let them steam for awhile. They fully expected their precious Tiger Woods to win and when he didn't they pretend they've never heard of Trevor Immelman ... They're overplaying the whole "a good Cinderella story" line because of his injury problems ... the tumour removed from the diaphragm, all that. But then some of them are try to paint him as a flukey champ of their precious masters.
What?! Trevor Immelman a flukey champ?: Yeah, I heard a radio guy saying that. Now Rich Beem, Todd Hamilton, Shaun Micheel -- those are fluky major champions ... But if our mojo's anything to go by, I think Immelman's going to win more than one ...
Well, we've already shown we can make it happen if we want.: We sure have.
Ahhh! ... Good to be right.:  It sure is. How bout another Magners?
Don't mind if I do ... thanks. It was a bit dicey out there for a while ...: Well, there wasn't much drama out there but when Trevor hit into the water on 16, you realised if a bogey and a double came along, it would be a playoff with Tiger Woods. No fun.
It was tough enough out there as it was.: True, true, and Immelman's swing and nerves held up when hardly anyone else's did. Snedeker and Flesch went backwards, Tiger stayed static, and really only Miguel Ángel Jiménez did any real scoring.
And as for Tiger, he has to settle for second place a second year in a row.: Yes, and I bet he doesn't like it. But it goes to show how tough the conditions were out there when the world's greatest player can only shoot even-par in the final round of a major, and just how good Immelman's wire-to-wire job really was ... Yeah, he shot a 75 ... but he beat Tiger Woods by shooting a 75.
I think that's something our American friends are going to forget about for a while ...: Conveniently, they probably will just place the blame on Tiger instead.
Shame, that. They should pay more attention to Immelman. And I think we've said this before, he's a really nice guy ...: Really nice, genuine, mature, well-grounded. The ladies love him, and the guys like him too 'cos he's a decent bloke with a gorgeous swing to die for.
Speaking of which, how's your mojo hanging?: Not bad. Still got some left. You?
Plenty ... Who we going to use it on next?: I dunno. Not Geoff Ogilvy.
Back to the Tour!: Back to the Tour!

Augusta in 12 words: We want some of whatever it was that Leo Durocher was smoking

Rumour: They've decided not to play the Masters next year. (Just kidding). Seriously, the best rumours are circulated amongst the press tent, and among the Heineken-fuelled hacks in the media facility a main thread of conversation was Trevor Immelman's future. The consensus among the colleagues we trust, thankfully, was that Immelman is not finished with winning majors ... which is lovely news indeed. We were feeling so lonely for awhile ...

Player spotting: It was hard to catch up on most of the field with so many of them going backwards. But the wind kicked up and nearly blew everyone over. How tough was it? Only two players broke 70, and the 45 cut survivors posted an average score of 74.67. Our Me Myself & I hero Miguel Ángel Jiménez had the day's shiniest round, a 68 (including an eagle-2 on the par-4 7th), while Heath Slocum, who had rounds of 76-77 in the middle rounds, fired a 69 ...

Star spotting: Too much golf to watch to look much, to be honest, but it wasn't hard to miss Hootie and the Blowfish, the has-been middle-aged rockers from neighbouring South Carolina. There is no actual Hootie in the band, but lead singer Darius Rucker, whom we did see at Augusta, and the entire band are mad for golf. They're playing in their annual Monday After The Masters celebrity-studded charity golf tournament in Myrtle Beach, S.C. on April 14 ... And trust us, you'd know a Blowfish if you saw one on the golf course ...

Moody players: We're not really sure what to make of this because it's only just happened. But after spending four days at Augusta playing superb golf and making like he didn't have a care in the world, Brandt Snedeker evaporated into a fountain of tears in his post-round press conference. To be honest, we haven't seen anything quite so painful since Greg Norman's implosion in 1996. ... After a day of rest, we'll let you know what we think of it tomorrow in our 10 Things We've Learned From The Masters feature ...

Heroes of the day: Trevor Immelman springs immediately to mind. But anyone who has ever walked the course at Augusta has to be impressed by what must be one of the best-behaved and most knowledgeable golf fans in America. This year was no exception. They cheer madly at the right times, they agonise for all players for every bad break, and they gave Immelman an incredibly warm reception as he walked up the 18th ... Mad IGWT props, and thanks for letting us come to "y'all's goff tunniment" ... Oh yeah, and Augusta's Nacho Mama's burritos gets another nod ...

Villain of the day: You can't vilify the American golf press for loving their Tiger Woods - after all, the Big Cat is a walking, talking legend. But we've had enough of hearing whispers that Trevor Immelman is a "flukey" champion. A well-known US national radio host was overheard in his booth Sunday evening saying just that. Leave it to us, our beloved Rusties! We've got some time to kill before we leave the grounds, and if we see that guy in the car park, we promise you his ass is grassed! ... 'Til next year!

On this day in 1996, Greg Norman suffered one of the most painful collapses in major championship history, shooting 78 in the final round at Augusta to succumb to Nick Faldo's 67 and memorably losing the Masters by five shots. It was the major title he wanted the most and it appeared sewn up for Norman, who had a six-shot lead on the first tee ...